not being in the middle represents our lack of perfection..
I see a gate to a new world… I see myself walking on the road of the new… the almighty unknown, full of dangers but yet so full of excitement… that kind of excitement one cannot refuse, at all costs… that one is me, or so I think.
There is darkness on the new path, but I know that once I will decide to make my first steps, the dark will turn to dust and light will engulf me..like I’m part of it, or it is part of me…
But somehow I don’t decide. I can’t decide. I’m stuck in the dusty dark that covers my rooted feet… it’s so tall, seems so thick..too hard to be moved by a small soul like me…I’m small, I feel it with every breath I take. The air is supercharged, it’s heavy and it’s pushing down on my chest. It’s hot inside me. I feel like there’s a tremendous battle, and every cell is trying to save me… by the sound of it, it tries to save me from…myself. And I wonder, in my never ending contemplation… I wonder what am I wondering about… what is there so hard to grasp… why I am feeling this, why can’t I do that, why I am not like… I always wanted to be.
My efforts won’t matter, while the time stands still, like an evil warden. I feel he will punish me. I’ve been bad. I never do something wrong, but I always feel like I did… And so it does. He spotted me and runs straight to me. He’s so fast, too fast for me to run. It slaps me down, grabs me and throws me up… it hangs me on the needle of his tremendous clock… letting me hang in there for as long as… time wants. why am I so tiny I cannot even move a damn microscopic needle!
There is the unbearable silence. It won’t stop. The silence won’t stop.I start imagining the sweet delight of the sound. My frustration grows with every ‘tic-tac’ that is never coming to touch my thirsty ears… it grows so fast that I’m growing with it… I feel heavy and now the needle starts to sharpen his blade like it was waiting for this all the way along… I’m on its edge and it’s cutting me with so much ease… it knows where and how to.. unlike me he is prepared.
It now flows on my clothes, it makes them red, the kind of red that you never want to see. I’m afraid. I’m not sure what to fear more: the cutting needle or the falling that will surely come. Again, I feel suffocated by the imminent decision I have to make. I hate decisions. Always did. Maybe I hate them more than all of those terrible things combined.
It’s dark. I’m all alone with myself. It’s raining with thick black dark.
I stare into all the nothings that are there. I stare into the farest simple dark, trying to clench any form. There is nothing but my earnest eyes, like some lanterns that will soon run out of batteries…
Wait. A voice. Where?
I turn down my head, but, actually, the voice vibe feels like is turning on me. I still don’t understand the whisper. I close my eyes. I squeeze them hard. All this squeezing reminded me of something… something I thought it was burried in my tiny well locked happiness box: when I was a kid I received a beautiful gift – a small teddy bear. I squeezed him so hard like I squeeze my eyes right now… It’s painful, but it feels… good. I smiled without realizing. I opened my eyes out of pure instinct, trying to ‘see’ the good. I saw my bleeding hands tightening on the needle… and then it hit me again…I said good, good in such situation; how can it be good?! I will die!
Somehow, upon realizing that my end is near, my conscience started screaming. It was so loud. I’ve never heard something so loud. Its sharp screaming penetrated my skin, my flesh; when I thought it’s gonna stop upon hitting my rocky bones, I felt it conquering me… it was marching like an army with one goal and one goal only: to win. All my secret tunnels, all the corners I used to hide were all blown up, and I had nowhere to hide. It reached me in full force. But this time was another time of hit. I felt… power. This power fueled my reason. I felt I want it to end.
No, I don’t want it to end. I will end it. I don’t care anymore. I want to fight whatever’s put in front of me. That’s all I want to do now. Anything can happen, and I will not stop until I gave up my last breath!
My brain was taking a bath in powerful thoughts. All that power which went into my bloodstream is so heavy… it made me heavy. I feel growing, swollen, in an ugly bad way. So heavy it is pulling me down. I’m not afraid I will fall. Not anymore. I feel my bloody hands so strong now. Their muscles stretch and reach new forms.
I feel safe. Yes, I do. I’m now big, so big that even the needle started to realize that simply… I’m just too heavy… so it moves, at first too slow … then faster..and faster… I’m dizzy. It spins. I now hear it. Clearly. Louder and louder. No, I don’t just imagine it; this time is really the ‘tic-tac’ I was dreaming about.
My mind is now loud again. I prepare myself for the abyss. I will let go. This time with no fear. I slip down of the needle. It wasn’t a fall, I’m not hurt. Maybe I’m stronger than I thought.
It’s still dark, I can’t see myself. The pain is gone tho, and the bruises approach each other, in an attempt to make love, and create new bonds. Their love feels good. This kind of warmth I want. I walk in the dark and I remove my bloody clothes. I keep my scarf…just in case I’ll need it. I can’t just let go to everything I used to know, can I…?
I begin to remember I love colors. So I decide to color the dark corners. I put a color here, another one there. They look funny. I smile. Why not paint the walls? there must be walls… so I paint the walls like stones. But I am strong enough now. I can do more. So I paint a door. Sort of. But how about that beautiful sky I used to gaze upon on a summer day, laying down on grass and dreaming… oh, how I remember my dreams… my wishes… my plans… me being great, and helping the world become a better place… so I paint the sky… clear one; just a few clouds, because what is a sky with no clouds? a perfect sky? no, it’s a dull sky, with no joy of the life… I stare at my new sky and I can’t help but wonder… why was there so much dark, so much dust, so much mist?… when it’s so easy to have a sky…? I dare to step into the round door. My heart stops for a second. I’m breathless. I feel something flowing on my skin again… it flows everywhere, from my toes to my head… oh yes, it’s that long forgotten feeling we call ‘happiness’… it’s like they break the waiting line, tired of so many postpones… ; My wishes… my plans… me being great, and helping the world become a better place…
so I paint my own sky… clear one; just a few clouds, because what is a sky with no clouds? a perfect sky? no, it’s a dull sky, with no joy of the life…
I stare at my new sky and I can’t help but wonder… why was there so much dark, so much dust, so much mist?… when it’s so easy to have a sky, my very own…?
I dare to step into the round door. My heart stops for a second. I’m breathless. I feel something flowing on my skin again… it runs everywhere, from my toes to my head… oh yes, it’s that long forgotten feeling we call ‘happiness’…!
I extend my hands and I feel my scarf…my last remnant of my comfort zone… it now feels like I have wings.
I don’t need wings. I don’t need anything. I’m enough. So I leave it behind and step into the light…
- The day I decided to decide.